Newness.

Sooo, these past few days have been amazing! Nothing has really happened, but I feel pretty dang great! 


Today I taught my primary class--I just love them:) Those kids are so amazing and they are so SMART! They have the sweetest little spirits, and their faith is just so amazing to me. I learn so much from them all of the time. They are the CTR7 class, so it's really neat so see how they act preparing to get baptized and after they are baptized. Such great little examples! 


On a really random note, I messed with the set-up of my blog and added some new music. I had to throw some Beach Boys in there. Some of the songs are happier, some empowering, some sad. I'm a girl, I have my moments. These songs are all some of my favorites. Anyways, I changed the format to only show 3 posts at a time, so if you want to turn the music off or pick a different song you don't have to scroll down so far. You can access all old posts by clicking "Older Posts" at the bottom of the page or you can find the archive of all posts by date on the left hand side. 


Feel free to leave me comments or ask questions that I will answer in my next blog post. These questions can be serious, silly, simple, or complex. I'll answer any of them, so ask away! I also changed the "impressions" that you can choose. I only put "inspired to do stupid things" and "I'm offended" intentionally. By the way, if you mark "I'm offended" I won't take you seriously. And if you are serious, well that's just too dang bad for you, isn't it? Nothing's changing on your account.


Anyways, that's all for today!

To My Husband (4)

Love,


I decided that for you, I will implement a new idea in my life, semi-inspired by Sarah Chambers and Erin Gillie (two of the most cheerful, optimistic and amazing girls I know!). I have decided that every morning I am going to list off 5 different reasons that I am grateful for that day. Then, at the end of the night, I am going to list off 5 more things that made my day awesome. 


I have a very negative attitude, but I don't want to burden you down with it, and I certainly don't want our children to have a bad outlook on life. This is going to be a very hard thing for me to do, because I am not a very optimistic person. I very rarely see any silver lining in the clouds. I realize that this needs to change for several reasons. I am going to list off all ten of these reasons since it is the middle of the day.


1. I am grateful that I was going to get to teach primary today.
2. I am grateful that I was healthy and feeling well.
3. I am grateful that I woke up without any negative feelings.
4. I am grateful that I was going to get to attend church.
5. I am grateful that I was able to wake up in a warm, comfortable bed.


1. Today was awesome because I have the best kids in primary ever.
2. Today was awesome because I learned "where love is, there God is also."
3. Today was awesome because I was able to talk to some very helpful friends.
4. Today was awesome because I got to hear a couple conversion stories that strengthened my testimony.
5. Today was awesome because I realized that I can still talk to you about whatever I want and you have to love me, because by the time you ever read this it will (hopefully!) be too late! Haha.


Things have been crazy lately. I've been trying to sort through a lot, and I think I'm finally starting to see how. A lot of it I need to do on my own, and some people don't understand that. It's not that I don't want help--I'd love it. But the things that I worry about are things that I need to work through on my own, or I'll never truly handle the issues. I don't know. But I'm doing this for you AND I'm doing this for me. 


I love you. Sorry to keep you waiting. 


Love, 
Your Future Wife

=/

The phrase "try not to make anyone hate themselves and scream at a wall before dinner" makes a lot more sense now. Well. It doesn't make a lot more sense, but I understand why I was told that now. I really understand. Good thing I answered with, "no promises" as a joke, because it should have been my serious answer. I'm not a very nice person. Or happy person, for that matter. Or whatever. I can be really pessimistic. Which works out okay, because you're "always either proven right or pleasantly surprised."

I have also realized that I am a very self-depreciating kind of person. This spouts from several things, I know, but I have been told quite a bit that I don't give myself enough credit. I think I do, but apparently not. I also have a tendency to push people away for "their own good." It goes along with the screaming at the wall thing. Believe me when I say if I ever push you away, I'm doing you a very big favor.

And this has nothing to do with my recent break up. I was just thinking about it for other reasons.

On a different note, I taught some classes for YW today. There is a video about Emma Smith that makes me cry every time. So here it is, for your own tear-jerking displeasure. 

Also random, thank you to my far too patient friends. I don't know how I'd survive without you--seriously.

Angst

Fml.


Shall I say it again?


Fml.


Yesterday was a bad night for Chelsea. Luckily Laura called, and Jenna was there to listen to me rant about the same thing that I always rant about--the only thing I ever rant about, actually. The whole thing is a complicated mess and it makes me want to scream. But I can't. I get to sit like a good little girl and act like I don't have a care in the world (I'm really bad at that...) so that I can keep doing what I'm doing. Because I did what I did for good reasons. Granted, those reasons may not really be what I said they were, but my reasons are really good reasons. Sacrifice. I bring it up all of the time. They say sacrifice brings forth the blessings of Heaven. I'm not seeing those. Basically I'm just feeling how crappy life gets to be.


I'm good for awhile, and then BAM. It hits me like a ton of bricks and I am so shaken that I can't even function, and can hardly breathe. Everything is erased from my mind except for that one thing, and it eats me alive. There are some things that I miss so much that I can't even stand it. But I have to stand it. Sacrifice.

If wishes were fishes

Moving on,


My first day of classes was a bust. I only had psych (behavior analysis) since German was canceled. Just as well. I wasn't ready for school to start. I'm still not. But there isn't much I can do about that.


I am getting more and more frustrated with myself every day. There is a huge difference and I can't just let it go. I wish I could just scream it at the person that needs to hear it, but I can't. Sometimes doing things for someone else's good sucks. I've never had to sacrifice this much before, and I really hate it. It's my own fault though. There, that is my vagueness for the day. 


I cleaned my room and the stupid fish tank (somehow those things are still alive--who woulda thunk it?!) and it has eased my stress some. I still have to do some homework and plan my primary lesson...and get out of bed, because I am still in my pajamas. 


Oh, what I would give to be that 14 year old girl twirling round and round at the dances again.

Easy

Firstly.

And now for everything else. I am really worried about school. I am freaking out, actually. I found out that one of my classes is part online (good thing, too, because I already have assignments due!) AND I found out that my online class (that I knew was online) is a half semester class. Um. What?! That means the same work load in half the amount of time--and it's a pretty good sized work load. I have a term paper due in like 3 weeks. 

I suppose the reason I am stressing so much is because there is so much to do AND I HAVEN'T EVEN BEEN TO CLASS YET!! They start later today and I don't think I can handle this!! I am also taking German, which is going to be freakin hard. 

What did I get myself into??

I can't wait to transfer. I am pinning all of my hopes and dreams on NC State, though I know there is something else that I have to do if I am still thinking about it in a year from now. I plan on doing it from NC if that is the case, though. Which reminds me--if you ask God for an answer, he'll give it to you. I don't mean any of that, "please help me to know" stuff. I mean cut and dry, yes or no, tell me what I'm supposed to be doing kinda talk. I've been doing a lot of that lately. It's really helping me out, since lately I've had no idea what I'm doing anymore.

I had all of these plans that I made that I threw out the door, and even though those are the plans I still want to happen, I feel like it's useless to try to get them back. There are some things only I will ever understand my reasoning for. I don't expect anyone to wait around for me to catch up. That is what cancels out all of my former plans, except NC State, which is still the plan for several reasons, one of which has nothing to do with school.

Buh. I know I am repeatedly vague. It's ok, this stuff shouldn't really matter to most of you. And I just need to get it all out sometimes. 

What a mess. I don't even know how I function most days. 

Oh, yes I do. Shoeboxing. 

Tally

Parents                          Red Headed Step-Child

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All my Children

I decided to do something a little different today. Instead of writing another letter to my future husband, I decided that I would write a letter to my children. Ya know, for if I have any. So yeah....


Kids,


I know that if you are reading this, you must be really bored. I can't imagine why bright kids like yourselves would have decided to look through this probably old and forgotten blog of mine. Maybe you'll learn something new about me, or maybe it will just be a big waste of time. If you don't learn anything about me, maybe you will see something that will let you learn from me. I hope I'm not a complete idiot of a mother. I know I can be daft now, something that I probably don't admit in front of you guys EVER. Well right now I'm 19, I can admit to being stupid sometimes.


I hope you learn from my experiences. And I hope you learn the right things--I really hope that. I have absolutely no idea what the future holds. While I am writing this I don't know how many of you there are, whether you are boys or girls, how old you are, or even who your father is. But I want you to know that I love you. That may sound silly to you, since I'm 19 and you aren't close to being born....not at all. But I still love you,  I know I will.


I want you to know that when I yell at you, it's because I care. That or your father made me angry. I'm sorry if I take it out on you if that is the case. I hope that you are happy at home. I hope that there is little argument in our house and that you feel like your home is a safe haven for you. I know how important that is and I want so much to be able to give you what you deserve. I want to be someone that you can come to and rely on. I've been through hell and back and I'm only 19. I hope that by the time you need me, I will have some wisdom to offer you, and that you feel comfortable talking to me about whatever is going on.


I also want you to know that I love your father. I don't know what kind of relationship we have. I hope it's a very happy one. I know from the point of view of the kids, your parents may not always seem like they make each other happy. It's hard on the whole family when parents are fighting, I know. But I don't want you kids to ever worry. I love your father, and I know that he loves me too. Everyone argues, so I don't want you to worry that we can't work things out. We will always work things out--if we didn't think that we could, we wouldn't have gotten married. But I know that we are the best people for each other, because if we weren't then I have the strong feeling that God wouldn't have been as approving of our marriage.


Speaking of which, kids, The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints is the only true church on this earth. It is the restored gospel of Christ and if you live by it's teachings, you will always be blessed. That doesn't mean that hard things won't happen. Quite the contrary, Satan has a way of making things harder when you are doing the right things in life. Just remember that you are never alone. I don't know how open I am about my testimony. I hope that the things I believe are apparent in your lives. The things that the church teaches are true, and I believe that with all of my heart. The best thing I ever did was read The Book of Mormon. I learned for myself what I believed and found that the things that I was raised in were true. It is my plan to raise you all in the church, but if for some crazy horrible reason I am not, go ahead and yell at me for it. I won't ground you, I promise. The gospel is such a blessing in my life, and if I deny you that, I am so sorry. I don't know what will happen--I am the first to admit that sometimes my priorities get mixed up and that I forget the things that are really important. I love you kids so much that it shouldn't be hard to remind me.


I hope that you get to meet some of the people that have profoundly changed my life outside of your relatives. Laurie Quigley is one of them. She was a young women's leader when I was a few years younger, and she  really is one of the most amazing women I know. And I hope that you have met the Crocker family. All of them are such great examples to me. They are there for any questions or problems that I ever have, and they check in on me from time to time. I don't have a lot of words to describe how grateful I am for their influence in my life, especially Dave Crocker, who was my Sunday School teacher. I will say that he is one of the people responsible for sparking my interest in the church and making me want to find what I believed for myself, and I cannot thank him enough for that. The Crockers and Sister Quigley are only a few examples of the people outside of our family that have helped to shape my life, and I hope that you will be able to meet them some day.


Kids, I want you to know how proud I am of you for all of the great decisions you make and all of your accomplishments. I don't expect you to be perfect. I know that is an impossibility. But I know that you are good children and that you try hard to do the right things. I know that you will influence the people around you for the better. I am so blessed to have you. I couldn't have asked for more wonderful children. You wonder how I can say that without you even being born yet? Momma knows. hehehe. :) I love you. Be good and listen to your father, because he loves you and he wants what is best for you just as much as I do. (But you can show me this post and I will take you out for dessert while he is at work, even if he thinks it will spoil your appetite for dinner. heehee)


Love,
Mom

A glimpse of home

So today I found a letter I wrote a few months ago to an old friend of mine. I never sent it because it wasn't time to send it yet. But I am sure that it will apply soon enough, and since everything in that letter is still valid, I will send it when the time comes. The reaction to the letter will probably be somewhat different though, I think. 


How was that for vague and ominous? 


On another note, I just returned to Alabama from a trip home (Michigan, for all you folks who don't know me as well as you pretend to). I had a lot of fun with my family, and I miss them already. While I was up there I messed around with my sister's new camera. The aforementioned friend called me a crappy photographer on more than one occasion. He is right, haha, but here are a couple of the pictures I took on the trip just for fun. Please keep in mind that all of these were taken out of a moving vehicle. 

These next few were taken at our little cottage in Michigan...NOT out of a moving vehicle:) I practically grew up at this lake. We have been coming here every summer that we can since I remember.

That's all for today. I've got some more thinking to do.

sMiLe

There are a few things that make me smile. So I am going to share those. 


One. Kids. Namely, these three:

Jaxon

Noah

Oliver

Those are the 3 cutest babies ever! :) They are my cousins...aren't you jealous?! Good, you should be.

Alright. Two. Tim McGraw. Namely, this song:

It's not my favorite of his, but the song makes me smile:)

Three. This conversation:

Me: Tell me something about yourself that nobody else knows.

Winston: I actually love poetry.

Me: Really?

Winston: No.

Bwahaha. :)) That conversation always makes me laugh. And Winston in general. =P

Four. This video:

It is the dumbest thing ever but it makes me laugh hysterically every time. Thank you Cody Turley! Haha:)

Five. Prankdial.com. Susan's reactions were the best. So was my best friend Jenna's. Behold. 

Jenna and her blind date. And Susan's bad driving record. Ohh, and we'll throw out my Uncle Chris too and Taylor kicking some guy's dog. 

Six. 
Black Chelsea.

 How COULDNT it  "mAkE u sMiLe?"


Seven. Mocho Charmander. 

I don't even like dogs. That is a big deal. This dog makes me soooo happy.


Eight. Harry Potter and the things it entails. Like getting into pottermore early. 

Again, be jealous. 




Nine. My friends and family. Durr. 

 



 


I know that I don't have pictures up of everyone....Oh well. Deal. =P




Ten. This picture, all it encompasses, and the photographer. 

Random stuff.

I don't really know what to say. I'm writing a book. I haven't worked on it in awhile. There has been a lot going on. My writing abilities came to a halt after I got back from GA. I was on a roll before I left. Oh well, I have my moments, I guess.

I talked to my friend Jenna the other day. I miss her a ton. Vikash too. And a few other people.

School starts soon. And I had to cough up an extra hundred bucks for a mandatory meal plan. I hate my school. I've got some books to buy for classes too. I'm not buying them on campus--they are like 200 dollars a book. Insane. 

Emily's birthday just passed. She is getting so old. Everyone thinks she is older than I am. I love my sister. She's just so great. And she is absolutely beautiful. It's funny, I feel sometimes like I am living in her shadow. She excels in everything that she does--school, music, acting, art, etc. She's very talented and I'm lucky to have her in my life. 

I know that this post is random and broken up. I am having one of those days. And I'm not really doing anything to make it better. I think I deserve a crappy day every now and then. Is that weird? I dunno. 

I have to admit that despite everything school is still only one reason I want to move back to North Carolina. 

My life is a lot of things right now. I couldn't pin it down to just one adjective. Because they are all polar opposites. I don't even understand how I can feel such different things at once.  I am glad I'm going to Michigan this weekend. I just need to spend some time with my family far away from Alabama. This place really wears on you after awhile.