Landon

My mom is currently going through my room and destroying it. Moving things. Getting rid of things. Wanna know why? Well, his name is Landon. Albeit, he is the best thing (person) in the entire world, but this is my sttuuuffff. I'm a little sentimental. So I have a lot of things. And they are disappearing before my very eyes. I don't like it.

Back to the reason why. Landon. The butthead (and by butthead, I mean amazing most awesome guy ever) is coming to visit in March, so mom decided that I need to get rid of a lot of things to declutter my room. All past boyfriend stuff was trashed already, but now she's taking away the good stuff. No longer does my huge teddy bear sit in the corner. It looks so sad and lonely without Mr. Bear. Goodbye crap ton of clothing, other stuffed friends, and half the contents of my desk. We aren't even half way through and it looks empty in here. Mom is insisting on moving pictures around, taking some down, putting different ones up, reframing them, blah blah blah. Oh, the things I do for Landon. =P

Speaking of Mr. Wonderful, let me give you all an idea of who this spectacular person is. His name is Landon, obviously. He served his mission in Santo Domingo in the Dominican Republic. He speaks fluent Spanish and it is the most awesome thing ever. Who knew Spanish could sound so hot? ;) hahaha. He's from Washington, but he is currently in South Korea.  He is stationed there. Yes, I said stationed. Landon is Army Infantry. He joined up a few months after he got home from the DR. Before that he mostly climbed mountains. Yes, my man is hardcore.Yes, I said my man:)

This is him, by the way;) He's the one trying (=P) to look hardcore in the sunglasses. haha. But seriously, aren't I lucky? I know. Be jealous. 

I know I haven't blogged in forever. I need to fix that--it's therapeutic. I just wanted to tell everyone that my room is getting naked and my boyfriend is amazing:) That is all. 

To My Husband, the final online letter.

Love,

Every time I am feeling down, I think of you. It might sound odd to you, but you save me every day. I have moments where I am stressed out, or I am completely broken down and don't know what to do. Life is not easy. "He never said it would be easy, He only said it would be worth it." I know that this is true on so many different levels. There are the eternal aspects with families being together forever and other aspects of eternal glory, but there are temporal aspects too. Someone told me the other day, "people who tell you that these are the best days of your life are wrong. Don't worry. These are nowhere near the best days of your life." 

My life isn't awful now. It's difficult. It's a very taxing time in my life, as it is for everyone. I know there are a lot of people who have it worse. This is not me complaining about my life. But in times of trial--because there are always going to be trials--I ponder on the future. I think about life far down the road, with you and the kids. The knowledge that there is going to be a wonderful life with our family is enough to make me keep going. I can't wait for those days. 

Will you tuck the kids into bed while I watch from the doorway, without you knowing I'm there? Will you come home late and talk to me from the kitchen table while I heat you up dinner after a long day? As long as you're with me, I know things will be fine. Will you deploy for long periods of time if you are in the military? As long as you come home, I will wait. 

Is it strange to you that I love you, and we haven't even met? Or maybe we have, and I just don't know it yet. I think I'm going to start writing these in some form of notebook. 

I love you. Thanks for being patient with me. 

Love, 

Your Future Wife

Truth

Life throws you curve balls. Things never work out how you think they will--and that's not always a bad thing. Sometimes it's actually a really good thing. Someone told me a few years ago that "God gives us what we want or something better." I really think that's true. I also think that we need to let Him. He knows what's best for us, and we really don't. Trust is a hard thing to do, but it's really important.


I never really bare (bear?) my testimony, but I will here. It's the same thing I posted on facebook, because that's what it is. God has not, does not, or will not ever abandon His children. The true gospel is restored upon the earth in these latter days. The Book of Mormon is truth and scripture. Families are Eternal. Jesus is the Christ.


Now a note on September 11th.

The only thing I remember from that day was wondering if my dad was going to be okay, because he was deployed. I don't think I really understood what had happened. In between I saw pictures and learned what happened--even wrote a research paper on it, but it still never hit me. Ten years later I watch the footage of the attacks for the first time. Now I understand. One nation under God. Indivisible.

‎"Through blurred eyes we find the strength and courage to soar beyond the moment. We look to the future knowing we can never forget the past. God bless America."


Don't forget--every day is Independence Day.

My Book

So, I'm writing a book. I've written a book, but I've given up all attempts to edit, type, and get it published. I wrote it my freshman year of high school. It was pretty dang good, if I do say so myself (which I do). I was in that 14/15 year old girl stage, so it is about love and werewolves. I wrote it a long time ago, before Twilight became a big thing, but post-Twilight, vampires and werewolves have kinda gotten overplayed in my opinion, so Crimson Regret (Cool name, huh?) will sit on my bookshelf for a long time.


I've started a few books since that one was written, but I haven't finished any of them. They are all in a folder that I also have sitting here. I used to pick one up every now and then and add a little to it when I had a good idea for it, but other than that they are usually untouched. 


The book I am working on now is (in my opinion) the best idea I've had yet. The idea (I'm going to give it away, yes, but only vaguely) is that every country in the world has turned against the United States. It is written a few years in the future, the main character is a girl, and I am writing it in first person, present tense...which is freakin hard! There are a lot of details that I have worked out that I am not going to reveal to you all, but I WILL post a little sample of the book. 


If anyone has title suggestions, leave a comment telling me what it is:) I am definitely open to ideas!

I suppose this is Hell. It has to be. Tortured screams of pain, both physical and emotional, are the only things that I can hear. There is fire burning everywhere, consuming everything, resulting in thick smoke so black that it takes me a full minute to recognize the things around me. Hell looks a lot like downtown.

A ringing in my ears gradually starts to grow louder until I can no longer hear the howling of the people on the streets. The ringing becomes so intense that I clap my hands over my ears in pain. I hold them there for a long moment until the sound fades and is replaced by an uncomfortable deafness. The world around me is almost completely muted and the sensation makes me feel dizzy. When I move my hands away from my face and back to my lap, my palms are covered in blood.

My lungs throb in my chest and I give a few hard coughs, then shudder as I vomit the entire contents of my stomach, which isn't much. The vile taste of acid fills my mouth and I spit a few times, even after I am done throwing up, to try to rid myself of the taste. I quickly cover my burning nose and mouth with my tattered, grimy shirt, trying to get a cleaner breath as I blink my eyes tightly closed. The smoke stings and causes my eyes to water, making it even harder to see. As a dull ache begins to set over my whole body, I become more conscious of reality. I am flooded with a mix of emotions that I cannot immediately place or explain. Relief, anger, fear, and sadness? It is such an odd combination that I do not understand it until I see the building in front of me. What remains of an old brick flower shop is barely recognizable. The bottom half is almost completely rubble, and the top floor of the building is gone. The loft where my family lived. My home. Gone.

Yes, this is Hell. But this is also really downtown. I am alive...at least for now. I know that staying here means certain death. I know that another air raid will soon follow the first, and I know that I may very well suffocate or bleed to death if I don't find help. But I don't have the strength or the will to move. No sense of urgency forces me to get to safety. So I lay my head down on the cobblestone sidewalk on the side of the road and close my eyes, drifting far away from the graveyard around me.

Newness.

Sooo, these past few days have been amazing! Nothing has really happened, but I feel pretty dang great! 


Today I taught my primary class--I just love them:) Those kids are so amazing and they are so SMART! They have the sweetest little spirits, and their faith is just so amazing to me. I learn so much from them all of the time. They are the CTR7 class, so it's really neat so see how they act preparing to get baptized and after they are baptized. Such great little examples! 


On a really random note, I messed with the set-up of my blog and added some new music. I had to throw some Beach Boys in there. Some of the songs are happier, some empowering, some sad. I'm a girl, I have my moments. These songs are all some of my favorites. Anyways, I changed the format to only show 3 posts at a time, so if you want to turn the music off or pick a different song you don't have to scroll down so far. You can access all old posts by clicking "Older Posts" at the bottom of the page or you can find the archive of all posts by date on the left hand side. 


Feel free to leave me comments or ask questions that I will answer in my next blog post. These questions can be serious, silly, simple, or complex. I'll answer any of them, so ask away! I also changed the "impressions" that you can choose. I only put "inspired to do stupid things" and "I'm offended" intentionally. By the way, if you mark "I'm offended" I won't take you seriously. And if you are serious, well that's just too dang bad for you, isn't it? Nothing's changing on your account.


Anyways, that's all for today!

To My Husband (4)

Love,


I decided that for you, I will implement a new idea in my life, semi-inspired by Sarah Chambers and Erin Gillie (two of the most cheerful, optimistic and amazing girls I know!). I have decided that every morning I am going to list off 5 different reasons that I am grateful for that day. Then, at the end of the night, I am going to list off 5 more things that made my day awesome. 


I have a very negative attitude, but I don't want to burden you down with it, and I certainly don't want our children to have a bad outlook on life. This is going to be a very hard thing for me to do, because I am not a very optimistic person. I very rarely see any silver lining in the clouds. I realize that this needs to change for several reasons. I am going to list off all ten of these reasons since it is the middle of the day.


1. I am grateful that I was going to get to teach primary today.
2. I am grateful that I was healthy and feeling well.
3. I am grateful that I woke up without any negative feelings.
4. I am grateful that I was going to get to attend church.
5. I am grateful that I was able to wake up in a warm, comfortable bed.


1. Today was awesome because I have the best kids in primary ever.
2. Today was awesome because I learned "where love is, there God is also."
3. Today was awesome because I was able to talk to some very helpful friends.
4. Today was awesome because I got to hear a couple conversion stories that strengthened my testimony.
5. Today was awesome because I realized that I can still talk to you about whatever I want and you have to love me, because by the time you ever read this it will (hopefully!) be too late! Haha.


Things have been crazy lately. I've been trying to sort through a lot, and I think I'm finally starting to see how. A lot of it I need to do on my own, and some people don't understand that. It's not that I don't want help--I'd love it. But the things that I worry about are things that I need to work through on my own, or I'll never truly handle the issues. I don't know. But I'm doing this for you AND I'm doing this for me. 


I love you. Sorry to keep you waiting. 


Love, 
Your Future Wife

=/

The phrase "try not to make anyone hate themselves and scream at a wall before dinner" makes a lot more sense now. Well. It doesn't make a lot more sense, but I understand why I was told that now. I really understand. Good thing I answered with, "no promises" as a joke, because it should have been my serious answer. I'm not a very nice person. Or happy person, for that matter. Or whatever. I can be really pessimistic. Which works out okay, because you're "always either proven right or pleasantly surprised."

I have also realized that I am a very self-depreciating kind of person. This spouts from several things, I know, but I have been told quite a bit that I don't give myself enough credit. I think I do, but apparently not. I also have a tendency to push people away for "their own good." It goes along with the screaming at the wall thing. Believe me when I say if I ever push you away, I'm doing you a very big favor.

And this has nothing to do with my recent break up. I was just thinking about it for other reasons.

On a different note, I taught some classes for YW today. There is a video about Emma Smith that makes me cry every time. So here it is, for your own tear-jerking displeasure. 

Also random, thank you to my far too patient friends. I don't know how I'd survive without you--seriously.

Angst

Fml.


Shall I say it again?


Fml.


Yesterday was a bad night for Chelsea. Luckily Laura called, and Jenna was there to listen to me rant about the same thing that I always rant about--the only thing I ever rant about, actually. The whole thing is a complicated mess and it makes me want to scream. But I can't. I get to sit like a good little girl and act like I don't have a care in the world (I'm really bad at that...) so that I can keep doing what I'm doing. Because I did what I did for good reasons. Granted, those reasons may not really be what I said they were, but my reasons are really good reasons. Sacrifice. I bring it up all of the time. They say sacrifice brings forth the blessings of Heaven. I'm not seeing those. Basically I'm just feeling how crappy life gets to be.


I'm good for awhile, and then BAM. It hits me like a ton of bricks and I am so shaken that I can't even function, and can hardly breathe. Everything is erased from my mind except for that one thing, and it eats me alive. There are some things that I miss so much that I can't even stand it. But I have to stand it. Sacrifice.

If wishes were fishes

Moving on,


My first day of classes was a bust. I only had psych (behavior analysis) since German was canceled. Just as well. I wasn't ready for school to start. I'm still not. But there isn't much I can do about that.


I am getting more and more frustrated with myself every day. There is a huge difference and I can't just let it go. I wish I could just scream it at the person that needs to hear it, but I can't. Sometimes doing things for someone else's good sucks. I've never had to sacrifice this much before, and I really hate it. It's my own fault though. There, that is my vagueness for the day. 


I cleaned my room and the stupid fish tank (somehow those things are still alive--who woulda thunk it?!) and it has eased my stress some. I still have to do some homework and plan my primary lesson...and get out of bed, because I am still in my pajamas. 


Oh, what I would give to be that 14 year old girl twirling round and round at the dances again.

Easy

Firstly.

And now for everything else. I am really worried about school. I am freaking out, actually. I found out that one of my classes is part online (good thing, too, because I already have assignments due!) AND I found out that my online class (that I knew was online) is a half semester class. Um. What?! That means the same work load in half the amount of time--and it's a pretty good sized work load. I have a term paper due in like 3 weeks. 

I suppose the reason I am stressing so much is because there is so much to do AND I HAVEN'T EVEN BEEN TO CLASS YET!! They start later today and I don't think I can handle this!! I am also taking German, which is going to be freakin hard. 

What did I get myself into??

I can't wait to transfer. I am pinning all of my hopes and dreams on NC State, though I know there is something else that I have to do if I am still thinking about it in a year from now. I plan on doing it from NC if that is the case, though. Which reminds me--if you ask God for an answer, he'll give it to you. I don't mean any of that, "please help me to know" stuff. I mean cut and dry, yes or no, tell me what I'm supposed to be doing kinda talk. I've been doing a lot of that lately. It's really helping me out, since lately I've had no idea what I'm doing anymore.

I had all of these plans that I made that I threw out the door, and even though those are the plans I still want to happen, I feel like it's useless to try to get them back. There are some things only I will ever understand my reasoning for. I don't expect anyone to wait around for me to catch up. That is what cancels out all of my former plans, except NC State, which is still the plan for several reasons, one of which has nothing to do with school.

Buh. I know I am repeatedly vague. It's ok, this stuff shouldn't really matter to most of you. And I just need to get it all out sometimes. 

What a mess. I don't even know how I function most days. 

Oh, yes I do. Shoeboxing. 

Tally

Parents                          Red Headed Step-Child

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All my Children

I decided to do something a little different today. Instead of writing another letter to my future husband, I decided that I would write a letter to my children. Ya know, for if I have any. So yeah....


Kids,


I know that if you are reading this, you must be really bored. I can't imagine why bright kids like yourselves would have decided to look through this probably old and forgotten blog of mine. Maybe you'll learn something new about me, or maybe it will just be a big waste of time. If you don't learn anything about me, maybe you will see something that will let you learn from me. I hope I'm not a complete idiot of a mother. I know I can be daft now, something that I probably don't admit in front of you guys EVER. Well right now I'm 19, I can admit to being stupid sometimes.


I hope you learn from my experiences. And I hope you learn the right things--I really hope that. I have absolutely no idea what the future holds. While I am writing this I don't know how many of you there are, whether you are boys or girls, how old you are, or even who your father is. But I want you to know that I love you. That may sound silly to you, since I'm 19 and you aren't close to being born....not at all. But I still love you,  I know I will.


I want you to know that when I yell at you, it's because I care. That or your father made me angry. I'm sorry if I take it out on you if that is the case. I hope that you are happy at home. I hope that there is little argument in our house and that you feel like your home is a safe haven for you. I know how important that is and I want so much to be able to give you what you deserve. I want to be someone that you can come to and rely on. I've been through hell and back and I'm only 19. I hope that by the time you need me, I will have some wisdom to offer you, and that you feel comfortable talking to me about whatever is going on.


I also want you to know that I love your father. I don't know what kind of relationship we have. I hope it's a very happy one. I know from the point of view of the kids, your parents may not always seem like they make each other happy. It's hard on the whole family when parents are fighting, I know. But I don't want you kids to ever worry. I love your father, and I know that he loves me too. Everyone argues, so I don't want you to worry that we can't work things out. We will always work things out--if we didn't think that we could, we wouldn't have gotten married. But I know that we are the best people for each other, because if we weren't then I have the strong feeling that God wouldn't have been as approving of our marriage.


Speaking of which, kids, The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints is the only true church on this earth. It is the restored gospel of Christ and if you live by it's teachings, you will always be blessed. That doesn't mean that hard things won't happen. Quite the contrary, Satan has a way of making things harder when you are doing the right things in life. Just remember that you are never alone. I don't know how open I am about my testimony. I hope that the things I believe are apparent in your lives. The things that the church teaches are true, and I believe that with all of my heart. The best thing I ever did was read The Book of Mormon. I learned for myself what I believed and found that the things that I was raised in were true. It is my plan to raise you all in the church, but if for some crazy horrible reason I am not, go ahead and yell at me for it. I won't ground you, I promise. The gospel is such a blessing in my life, and if I deny you that, I am so sorry. I don't know what will happen--I am the first to admit that sometimes my priorities get mixed up and that I forget the things that are really important. I love you kids so much that it shouldn't be hard to remind me.


I hope that you get to meet some of the people that have profoundly changed my life outside of your relatives. Laurie Quigley is one of them. She was a young women's leader when I was a few years younger, and she  really is one of the most amazing women I know. And I hope that you have met the Crocker family. All of them are such great examples to me. They are there for any questions or problems that I ever have, and they check in on me from time to time. I don't have a lot of words to describe how grateful I am for their influence in my life, especially Dave Crocker, who was my Sunday School teacher. I will say that he is one of the people responsible for sparking my interest in the church and making me want to find what I believed for myself, and I cannot thank him enough for that. The Crockers and Sister Quigley are only a few examples of the people outside of our family that have helped to shape my life, and I hope that you will be able to meet them some day.


Kids, I want you to know how proud I am of you for all of the great decisions you make and all of your accomplishments. I don't expect you to be perfect. I know that is an impossibility. But I know that you are good children and that you try hard to do the right things. I know that you will influence the people around you for the better. I am so blessed to have you. I couldn't have asked for more wonderful children. You wonder how I can say that without you even being born yet? Momma knows. hehehe. :) I love you. Be good and listen to your father, because he loves you and he wants what is best for you just as much as I do. (But you can show me this post and I will take you out for dessert while he is at work, even if he thinks it will spoil your appetite for dinner. heehee)


Love,
Mom

A glimpse of home

So today I found a letter I wrote a few months ago to an old friend of mine. I never sent it because it wasn't time to send it yet. But I am sure that it will apply soon enough, and since everything in that letter is still valid, I will send it when the time comes. The reaction to the letter will probably be somewhat different though, I think. 


How was that for vague and ominous? 


On another note, I just returned to Alabama from a trip home (Michigan, for all you folks who don't know me as well as you pretend to). I had a lot of fun with my family, and I miss them already. While I was up there I messed around with my sister's new camera. The aforementioned friend called me a crappy photographer on more than one occasion. He is right, haha, but here are a couple of the pictures I took on the trip just for fun. Please keep in mind that all of these were taken out of a moving vehicle. 

These next few were taken at our little cottage in Michigan...NOT out of a moving vehicle:) I practically grew up at this lake. We have been coming here every summer that we can since I remember.

That's all for today. I've got some more thinking to do.

sMiLe

There are a few things that make me smile. So I am going to share those. 


One. Kids. Namely, these three:

Jaxon

Noah

Oliver

Those are the 3 cutest babies ever! :) They are my cousins...aren't you jealous?! Good, you should be.

Alright. Two. Tim McGraw. Namely, this song:

It's not my favorite of his, but the song makes me smile:)

Three. This conversation:

Me: Tell me something about yourself that nobody else knows.

Winston: I actually love poetry.

Me: Really?

Winston: No.

Bwahaha. :)) That conversation always makes me laugh. And Winston in general. =P

Four. This video:

It is the dumbest thing ever but it makes me laugh hysterically every time. Thank you Cody Turley! Haha:)

Five. Prankdial.com. Susan's reactions were the best. So was my best friend Jenna's. Behold. 

Jenna and her blind date. And Susan's bad driving record. Ohh, and we'll throw out my Uncle Chris too and Taylor kicking some guy's dog. 

Six. 
Black Chelsea.

 How COULDNT it  "mAkE u sMiLe?"


Seven. Mocho Charmander. 

I don't even like dogs. That is a big deal. This dog makes me soooo happy.


Eight. Harry Potter and the things it entails. Like getting into pottermore early. 

Again, be jealous. 




Nine. My friends and family. Durr. 

 



 


I know that I don't have pictures up of everyone....Oh well. Deal. =P




Ten. This picture, all it encompasses, and the photographer. 

Random stuff.

I don't really know what to say. I'm writing a book. I haven't worked on it in awhile. There has been a lot going on. My writing abilities came to a halt after I got back from GA. I was on a roll before I left. Oh well, I have my moments, I guess.

I talked to my friend Jenna the other day. I miss her a ton. Vikash too. And a few other people.

School starts soon. And I had to cough up an extra hundred bucks for a mandatory meal plan. I hate my school. I've got some books to buy for classes too. I'm not buying them on campus--they are like 200 dollars a book. Insane. 

Emily's birthday just passed. She is getting so old. Everyone thinks she is older than I am. I love my sister. She's just so great. And she is absolutely beautiful. It's funny, I feel sometimes like I am living in her shadow. She excels in everything that she does--school, music, acting, art, etc. She's very talented and I'm lucky to have her in my life. 

I know that this post is random and broken up. I am having one of those days. And I'm not really doing anything to make it better. I think I deserve a crappy day every now and then. Is that weird? I dunno. 

I have to admit that despite everything school is still only one reason I want to move back to North Carolina. 

My life is a lot of things right now. I couldn't pin it down to just one adjective. Because they are all polar opposites. I don't even understand how I can feel such different things at once.  I am glad I'm going to Michigan this weekend. I just need to spend some time with my family far away from Alabama. This place really wears on you after awhile.

Thoughts Via Song Lyrics

Alright. Today my thoughts are going to be put down with different lines from songs. I'm too lazy to phrase it myself. Most of these thoughts have nothing to do with each other. :P

"No I ain't got a gun, no I've never really been in a club, still live with my parents but I'm still a thug."

"I'll top the bill, I'll take the kill, I have to find the will to carry on with the show."

"If you liked it then you shoulda put a ring on it."

"The Devil went down to Georgia, he was lookin for a soul to steal."

"It's too much pain to have to bear to love a man you have to share."

"I'm so glad that I live IN AMERICA."

"The 7 things I hate about you..."

"She thinks we're just fishin.."

"Daddy, love you more."

"Come what may."

"With my freeze ray I will stop the world."

"And you can tell everybody this is your song."

"Desperado...why don't you come to your senses?"

"Why'd you have to go and make things so complicated."

"You are the only exception."

"So tell me what you want from me."

"I'm a wildflower growin in the sunshine, soakin up the way of life I was raised it."

"All at once the world can overwhelm me, there's almost nothin that you could tell me that could ease my mind."

"Even on my weakest days I get a little bit stronger."

"Shawty's like a melody in my head..."

"We're like fire and gasoline, I'm no good for you, you're  no good for me."

"I guess Heaven was needing a hero."

"I'm already there--take a look around."

"Jesus, take the wheel."

"Been far away for far too long."

"And one name read, and nobody really cared...but a pretty little girl with a bow in her hair."

"You and tequila make me crazy."

"Come thou fount of every blessing."

"Barely even friends, then somebody bends unexpectedly."

Sacrifice brings forth...?

Sacrifice. It sucks. But it's worth it...right? That's what everyone says anyways. As long as you are making sacrifices for the right reasons, and sacrificing the right things. If it is so worth it, why does it suck so bad? I swear, I'm not trying to be heroic here. Jenna Hunter is probably the only person who even knows what this post is about. But this is not Moulin Rouge! ...or is it? There are so many similarities here, except for the prostitutes, and the dancing, and the creepy duke, and the pimp, and the elephant, and the singing, and....oh, geeze. Okay, so this isn't Moulin Rouge! But there are some crazy similarities in my life that I'm not going to point out, or it would defeat the purpose of those similarities! Confused? Good! You're supposed to be. This is a ranting post. I know what I mean. You don't have to. Jenna does...maybe.

Different note. I am in a relationship, and it's off to a rocky start because people just can't cut us any slack. Oh well. It doesn't really matter what they say anyways. It has nothing to do with them, and I'm so beyond willing to try to explain myself to people. It is what it is. Haha, which is random, but that's okay. It's good random:)

Also, I want a dog. Winston just laughed when I told him that earlier. I don't think he fully appreciates my huge fear of dogs. I am terrified of dogs. I hate dogs. Okay, so I don't hate them. They are pretty cute. From a distance. But I am so NOT a dog person. However, I was playing with Mocho the other day at the petstore, a cute lil' spaniel that I met when he was just a puppy. He is the most precious dog ever and he has gotten a little bigger:) I just love him so much. If I had $1,700 to spend on a dog, I'd buy him. He has me wanting a dog. And as Sarah pointed out, dogs are always excited and happy to see you. Hooray for man's best friend? 

BLAH

My life is far too complicated.

I am doing my very best to uncomplicate it, and I don't even think uncomplicate is a word. 

Happiness and misery should be separate, not caused by the same thing, right? Or am I just not "man enough" to push through the bad because there is something great? Sometimes I have no idea. I stop and I look around, wondering how on earth I got to where I am now. Not all of it is bad. There are things in my life that I am very grateful for, but there are other things that I don't know how to even begin to deal with. So I close my eyes and try not to think about them, because thinking about them hurts. And thinking about them keeps things complicated.

I often tell myself that there are a lot of things that I shouldn't worry about. I wonder if they are things that I really should worry about, and that I am just ignoring them because I am too weak or too gutless to actually face my problems, even if they are small ones. 

This is what is on my mind today. I guess all I can do is suck it up, pray hard, keep on moving, hope for the best, and breathe deeply (from my abdomen).

For My Husband (3)

You know, love. I've been thinking. 

The guys I know now are REALLY going to make me appreciate how great you are, even more than I already would. Not meaning to harp on my guy friends Ok, so completely harping on my guy friends, I have to say that you had better be nothing like them. Haha, alright, alright. You can be a little like a few of them. 

The ones that make me laugh--you can be like them. I love to smile. You can make me happy like they do. I'll allow it. The ones that make me feel important--you can be like them. I love knowing that I mean something to someone. You can make me feel special like they do. I'll allow it. The ones that respect me--you can be like them. I love to know that I am worth even more than I think I am. You can make me feel like I am worth everything. I'll allow it. The ones that hold the priesthood--you can be like them. I love the spirit that comes with such a great blessing. You can be worthy like they are. I'll allow it. 

I have some great friends that are men, but unfortunately I have yet to find someone that has all of these things that are important to me all rolled into one great package. Does it sound like my expectations are too high? I doubt it's as hard of a job as it sounds. Being worthy of the priesthood is a worthwhile thing to do, regardless of me. Making me laugh and smile is easy--I laugh at pretty much everything. As for making me feel important, if you give me one compliment I'm good for a month. As for being respected, I'll just get back in the kitchen and make you a sandwich. Hehe.

Anywho. Don't do stupid things. No careening off of cliffs or drinking yourself into a coma. I love you, remember? Be good and I'll see you soon.

Your wife,

Chels<3